Monday, November 9, 2009

Back to the beginning

staring at the screen, I don't know what to write.... the last 4 months have been frightening not in a horror movie way but in a "my life is crumbling and I have no idea what to do" kind of way, which I think is worse. It is a different kind of paranoia.
People tell you what to do, and don't think about it...just do. And the situation is such you can't wrap your head around it, there is no rational thinking and trying to get to the rational thought is a labyrinth. Nothing makes any sense, I want to make a decision, but lack the gumption to do so. WHAT is the RIGHT thing to do? I don't know. We can't stay where we are...and we don't want to lose anything so, taking the first step towards something is fearful, and the what if's....the come into my brain and terrorize me...reminding me of Shel Silverstein...then I think about my childhood, and the fear of adult life goes away for a minute. Then it all comes rushing back in waves....what are we going to do?
We came back to NorCal, see if we can start over, back to the beginning...make my connections and talk to some people. Collect unemployment and keep a low profile. We need to heal. Not angry at anyone... disappointed. Rub Jake's belly and breathe in familiarity.

"Watch out for that first step,'s a doosie!" Bugs Bunny

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